Wheel of the Year: Mabon
Staff Writer The Solitary Witch: Agate
Wheel of the Year: Mabon
Fire
If the subject ever comes up, I would not suggest taking a drive through a desert at the tail end of summer in a hatchback with faulty air conditioning. Don’t get me wrong, the rust red rocks against the cornflower blue sky is a sight to behold, but the wonders of the eye can only hold the realization of heat off for so long. Fortunately, autumn was approaching; the days were getting shorter and the nights cooler.
It was barely noon now. We had started driving at night, during the coolest part of the day, trading off so we didn’t get too tired. Parking during the day, and sitting out the heat was more tolerable than being in the car; we could follow the shadows of whatever we chose to park near. One more night would take us to civilization in the form of a big gas station, the kind with a restaurant and showers.
Until we drove into it, my idea of a desert came straight from a cartoon with lots of beige sand and tall green cactus. This one was rusty red with a scattering of spiky grasses and the occasional tree. The bluest sky I had ever seen acted as background to tall rocks, mountains carved of stone carved by years of elemental erosion forming pillars, arches and caverns. There was one pillar directly across from where we had parked for the day beneath the shade of a billboard. Not feeling tired at all (Sarafina drove most of the night), I grabbed a bottle of water, dropped the straw hat I bought at the last gas station on my head and stood.
Sarafina opened a sleepy eye. “Don’t go too far, okay.”
“I won’t mom.”
Grinning, Sarafina closed her eye and went back to dozing.
I took off in the direction of that single spire, admiring the semi-straight look of a child’s stacked blocks. I didn’t think I’d actually make it all the way there, the day was bound to get hotter, but I’d go as far as I was comfortable. The breeze was warm, but was still welcome as it blew my hair away from my damp neck.
The lack of lush plants and animals made this place look dead, but energy vibrated through it and it felt very alive, like the rocks were listening, anticipating, maybe waiting to learn secrets or share them. I wondered if I reached that spire stone if it would share some of its knowledge with me, let me in on the secret so to speak. Suddenly the idea of reaching that stone was more appealing. Taking a sip of my water, I increased my speed, careful not to overdo it.
I was halfway there when something caught my attention. Whether it was a distant cry or a sudden shift in the winds, I stopped and turned around. Sarafina appeared to be jumping and pointing, maybe even yelling, trying to get my attention. My eyes followed her gesture and I saw someone in dark clothes and a baseball cap moving with purpose in my direction. I knew that stride. Alia had found me.
She launched forward, her long, easy steps closing the distance between us.
Seeing her chased all my confidence away and I did the only thing I could think of: I ran the other way.
The other way was out into the desert and by the time I realized I should have ran towards Sarafina and the car it was too late to change directions. Alia was getting closer and I couldn’t let her catch me. I thought, no scratch that, I knew if she did, I was a goner. I’d never see Sarafina, Rosemary or California. My only chance was not to get caught.
Though my hat had flown off when I started my flight, the one bit of luck I had, was that I hadn’t dropped my water bottle. I could last for a little while in the heat. The half full bottle called to my thirst, but that would have to wait until I could hide. There was a rock formation in front of me, large and sprawling, hopefully with one really good hiding place.
I ran into the center of it, then into the rocks and ducked down. The area was large enough that my hiding place would not be immediately obvious. Staying out of sight, I scrabbled through niches and passages in the rocks, trying not to make noise or kick up dust.
Alia prowled the rocks. Shadows lengthened and the sky began to change colors and I felt that she was toying with me. Crawling through the rocks and dust, I stayed hidden from view for hours, but every time I looked up for a way back to the car Alia was searching nearby.
I couldn’t do this much longer. My water was almost gone. I had some hope of slipping away at dark, but wasn’t sure if I could find my way back to Sarafina. I tried to keep track of the direction I would need to go if I had a chance to get back to Sarafina.
“Jilly,” called Alia, her voice echoing through the rocks. “Jilly, I am tired of this game. Come out here now and I’ll forgive you. I’ll even forgive you for that stupid whore you’ve been messing with.”
Whore? Was she talking about Sarafina?
“I mean it, Jilly. You’d better get your ass out here right now or I’ll make sure you regret everything you’ve put me through.”
Everything I’d put her through? All of the distrust and doubt, the fear and nightmares I have had and she was the one who suffered. Who the hell did she think she was?
Fingering the phoenix pin that Thalia made for me, I remembered what a real family felt like: and Sarafina, my beautiful Sarafina who loved my in spite of my irrational quirks. I had their support and love, like a lifeline that was unbreakable.
“If you don’t come here by the count of three you’ll regret it, I promise.”
Why was I scrambling through the rocks like a rat?
“One.”
Why was I letting her still have that much control over me?
“Two.”
She never loved me, never cared, she just wanted control.
“Three!”
She couldn’t have it. Not anymore.
“I’m coming.”
I stood up. “You stupid bitch.”
Alia froze and stared at me, incredulous that I would dare speak to her like that.
“What did you say to me?”
“I said you are a stupid bitch. A selfish, ignorant, spoiled bitch who has never loved anyone in her whole entire life.”
Blood pounded in my ears and I left its heat pouring through me. I didn’t want to run, I wasn’t afraid anymore. I was angry, every bit of it rising to the surface, a lifetime of built up emotions ready to explode.
“I hate you, Alia. You’ve made my life Hell. You don’t know any more about love than my mother did. You’re just like the rest of them, treating me like a puppet, ‘Go here, go there, do this, don’t talk’. I’ve always had someone acting like they’ve got there hand up my ass making me do what they want. I’ve had enough. No more, do you hear me. I won’t take it anymore.
“Get-out-of-my-life!”
My voice echoed through the rocks now, battering at Alia. I screamed loud as I could, releasing all the pain and anger I had held inside for all these years, letting it out on waves of sound.
Alia’s eyes grew wide and she stumbled back, but I barely saw her anymore.
The fire was in me, something ripped free, and I was no longer bound to the red dirt. I rose on the wind, my arms outstretched becoming wings. I shrieked my joy, release and rapture escaping so brilliant it could be seen lighting up the darkening horizon. From my place in the sky I could see Alia running and I laughed. Flying higher, I was no longer bound to her either.
I woke up cold, my face buried in my arm, the scent of ash and dirt in my nostrils. It was dark, too dark to see anything around me but I was alone and outside. Moving was painful and my mouth was dry and dusty. I struggled to a sitting position, yelping as something dug into my hand. My fingers were stiff to the point I needed to pry them open and they were wrapped tight around something hard and pointy. Fingering the item I realized it was the phoenix brooch Thalia made me, it’s wings digging into my skin, the pin jammed into my palm. I pulled it loose, then pressed the wound to my tongue.
As I tasted the metallic warmth, I remembered the vision of the phoenix burning through me, raising me into the sky. I sniffed the air and the scent of burned wood. It was just a vision, right? After pinning the brooch to my shirt I used my uninjured hand to touch the ground beneath me. That was not dirt or sand I touched, it clung, dry and flaky to me, and yes, there was a definite burned smell to it.
Where was I?
Alia had caught up with me and was keeping me prisoner. Wait, let’s not overreact. I looked up and I could see stars. Reaching out my hands touched solid darkness, the edge of wherever I was, and I followed it up. My fingers found the edge before I was upright on my knees.
Peering over the edge, the starlit sky extended forever in all directions, and on the horizon, the sky faded from black to indigo to purple. Sunrise or sunset?
My sense of direction sucked so I waited, glancing nervously into the darkness for any sign of Alia. The sky brightened. Sunrise, it was morning. I crawled out of the pit and examined my surroundings in the growing light. A log sat near the edge of the pit and I could make out an aluminum can tucked into a crevice. A fire pit; I fell into someone’s barbecue. At least it wasn’t lit at the time. The rocks I had hid in were off to my right. How had I gotten so far from them?
Where did I go now? Where was Sarafina? Was she still waiting, looking, or had she left. No, she would not have left. I just had to find my way back to her.
I scanned the horizon. I knew I wanted to head towards the sunrise, but a few degrees off and I could miss her entirely.
Then I saw the red rock pillar to the west. It hadn’t been close, but I remembered thinking I could walk straight line to it from the car. If I went to it, I could find my way to the car.
I was stiff, hungry, sore and dehydrated, but an energy pulsed through me as I walked towards to rock. I wasn’t afraid of meeting up with Alia anymore. I was almost home. I was almost to Sarafina. All my lessons had come together last night and I finally understood.
I finally knew me.
I saw her pacing around the car, scanning the desert, hands shading her eyes before she saw me. Sarafina, full of nervous, frightened energy, glowed in my vision, drawing me closer with each determined step.
When she finally caught sight of me she began shouting my name, running as fast as she could, black hair flying, denim-clad legs pumping. In spite of my grimy condition, she threw her arms around me holding me tight. I relaxed into her shoulder, grateful for her strength. Now I began to feel tired.
She pulled away, still holding my arms and looked at me. “Are you hurt? You look awful.”
“I’ll be okay.” I answered, my voice soft.
“Did Alia catch up with you?”
“Almost, but then it happened.”
“What happened?”
I smiled weary and heavy lidded. “I was angry, at Alia for chasing me, my mother for abandoning me, at the system for screw up my childhood and that anger began to burn. And the angrier I got, the hotter I got until I burst into flames.”
She tightened her grip on my waist.
“And as my body began to turn to ash and crumble to the sands, a great bird burst out of me carrying my soul away from all the anger and hate. It was the phoenix. She swept through me; burning away all the old pain and grief, all those blocks I’ve clung to for so long so no one would hurt me. I felt so light that together we rose up and flew through the skies. Her wingspan filled the sky and we flew high above the desert, beyond the sky into space and I touched the moon and I felt alive, really alive, unlike any other time in my life. I understand now, Sarafina.”
“What?”
“I am the phoenix. I always rise up from the ashes.” I touched my brooch. “She’s been with me the entire time, I just didn’t know it.”
Sarafina looked at me, covered in grime, unsteady and bruised and maybe she doubted my vision, or maybe she was just worried about my health, but she didn’t say so. She brushed hair away from my face, kissed my cheek and slipped an arm around my waist.
“I was wondering when you’d figure that out.”
She helped me back to the car, gave me a mug of warm soup and set to cleaning up my scrapes and the pinhole in my hand. I told her what happened as I sipped the soup.
“So, I woke up in a fire pit, I guess I fell in while I was having the vision. Once I got my bearings I headed back here.”
“And Alia was gone?”
“I didn’t see her. I don’t understand why she didn’t attack me during the vision, I sure wouldn’t have known.”
Sarafina shrugged. “I drove around a bit, looking for you, I think I found her car, we can check if its still there. I got worried though, you’d come back and I wouldn’t be here. The cards said you’d be back, but I was so frightened.”
I squeezed her hand and reached to touch her face, stopping when I saw my hand, gray and black with grime.
“Goddess, I need a shower.”
“You need to go to the hospital.”
“No, I’m fine. People go on vision quests and are just fine.”
“Maybe without food, but no water in a desert is dangerous.”
“I had water. That little bottle I took when I went for a walk. It was still mostly full. I held on to it at first without thinking, but I kept it and sipped from it. I was only without water for part of a day and night. There’s that big truck stop we were going to stop at next. I can shower there.”
Sarafina frowned. “I don’t know.”
“Come on, hon. we’re almost there. I know why it had to take so long to get this far now. I’m not afraid anymore. Not of Alia, not of you, not even of me. All I need is a good sleep, a shower, and,” I handed her the empty mug. “Some more soup.”
She smiled finally. “Okay, no hospital, for now.”
I leaned back against the car and remembered something else. “Mabon is in two days, right.”
She handed me the full mug. “Yep, think you’ll be up to a ritual?”
“I will be. I have quite a harvest to be thankful for.”
Sitting down next to me, Sarafina rested her head on my shoulder. “Me too.”
INBOX:
To: Artemesia
From: Wanda
Heard about Alia from one of her friends. She nearly died in the desert and had a vision of killing you with her bare hands and tried setting your body on fire. But from the flames, a huge bird rose up and carried your body away.
Apparently, the idea of killing you frightened her and she is heading home.
I hope it was only a vision, write me back soon and let me know you are all right. I hope your time of wandering ends soon, sweetie. I am so worried about you.
Wanda
We drove along the coastal highway up from the Bay area towards Fort Bragg where Rosemary waited. This wasn’t the first time I’d ever seen the ocean, but my excitement was as strong as Sarafina’s, who stared past me at the broad expanse of glittering ocean. Our journey was nearly over.
We were nearly to town when I saw a sign boasting public beach access. I followed the tree lined twists of the road until the beach began. We stretched our aching legs and stared out at the water.
“We did it,” shouted Sarafina throwing her arms around me and kissing my cheek.
Slipping an arm around her waist, I rested my head against hers. “Yeah, we did.”
“Here. I finished it the night you were in the desert. I had to do something and when it was done I knew I had to give it to you.” Reaching into the car, she pulled the copper yarn from her bag, but now it was more than just skeins of yarn. She let it fall open and held it out to me. Worked in what Sarafina called filet crochet, a great bird rose up, its wings spread wide: the phoenix.
“Its wonderful.”
She wrapped it around my shoulders and kissed me. “I decided to wait until we got here to give it to you.”
“Thank you.”
She grabbed my hand and tugged. We hurried towards the water, the dry sand sucking at our feet until we reached the waters edge and the wet sand, soundly packed, was as solid as gravel.
“Let’s stay here tonight,” she said.
“What?”
“We can go to Rosemary’s tomorrow, lets stay here tonight, I want to see the sunrise,” she stared at the blue horizon.
I glanced up at the sky and smiled. “The sun doesn’t rise from the ocean on this coast, it sets over it.”
“Fine, I want to watch it set and see the ocean when the sun comes up over the hills.”
My journey had lasted eleven months, one more night wouldn’t be a long time and Rosemary didn’t know we were in the area yet.
“Okay.”
The ocean glimmered like copper as the sun set. We fell asleep, the shawl wrapped around us, happy, at ease and in the midst of Mother Nature. I wasn’t afraid anymore, and I wasn’t angry either. Not only was I in the presence of love, I could actually feel it now.
The little blue cottage was surrounded by herbs gardens lined with abalone shells and there was view of the ocean. A woman with sandy colored hair and eyes as blue as the desert sky opened the door. She wore embroidered jeans and a flowing shirt over her sturdy frame. She stared at us a moment, then her mouth widened first in surprise and then into a smile.
“Jillian?” she whispered.
“Hi Rosemary, we’re home.”
Laughing happily she wrapped her thick arms around us and hugged nearly as tightly as we held her.
“Come in.” she said. “I’ll make some tea. You’ve got to tell me everything that happened. I am so glad you are here.”
So was I.
You probably saw a lot of ‘duh’ moments as you read this, I know looking back I feel that way too. It is always easier to see the problem when you are looking from a distance. There are still struggles though, but they are the kind I don’t mind so much like Rosemary and Sarafina volunteering me to sing at the Samhain circle next week.
I am Phoenix now, at least among magical types. I am also still Jillian. You can’t run away from yourself, you can only try to make yourself better. But I’ve decided, in spite of everything, Jillian can’t have been all that bad, if Sarafina could fall in love her.
We had money left after our journey was over and we are saving it so we can go to the big festival this spring and see Thalia, Gary and Ana. They can’t wait to meet Sarafina. And Wanda is looking into the possibility of going too.
For the first time in my life I am really home. The phoenix is free of the fire.
The End