Washing Dishes A Metaphor for Healing
By Staff Writer: Theresa Chaze
Emotional healing is like washing dishes. A strange
comparison, yes but an accurate one. Washing dishes removes left
over food from the dinnerware; emotional healing removes pain from
our souls. For both of them, the longer the waste has been there,
the more difficult it is to wash it away. Unlike permanently
stained dishes, you can not simply toss away your soul and get
another. However, the more quickly you deal with the injury, like
dishes, the easier it is to take care of the problem. Yet sometimes
the damage is so devastating that like a burned casserole dish it
will take a lot of work and time to get it clean.
After a meal, if the dishes are washed or rinsed right away,
they clean quickly and easily. However if they are left for any
length of time, the food dries to the plate and it will take more
effort to cleanse them. The same is also true for emotional hurts.
If you deal with them at the time of the injury, you can deal
directly with the source. Being open and honest about how you feel
clears up misunderstandings and prevents the issue from being
clouded by other factors.
However if you are unable, for whatever reason, to deal
openly with the wounded feelings, they begin to fester and expand
into other aspects of your life. Until it is dealt with, the hurt
will not simply go away. Instead like a dish that has been left too
long, it will attracted flies and eventually transmute into
something icky–like mold. So do hurt feeling attract undesirable
emotions like fear, anger and self doubt. None of those emotions are
truly negative; it’s not being able to get past them that leads to
further problems. Unlike the food that becomes the mold, the
emotions are not changed, but they change the person from the inside
out. Getting stuck in them only leads a person to do and say things
they normally wouldn’t, which spreads the negativity to others.
So how is the cycle broken? Being honest, self aware and
honoring yourself enough to speak your mind and stand your ground
are ways misunderstandings are prevented. You don’t have to be
aggressive or self pitying to tell another that their behavior or
words were hurtful. Sometimes people don’t realize how their bad
mood is affecting others. Everyone at some point has gotten so
wrapped up in their challenges that they have forgotten the
niceties. This doesn’t mean that they will always care. There are
people who go out of their way to hurt others, mostly because that
is how they deal with their own pain. However, by stating your
feelings openly, honestly and with compassion, you get them out into
the open. But you must remember not to take their reaction
personally. It is this clearing that heals, not how the person
responds. By stating your truth you are able to wash your plate
clean and move on.
Yet what if you haven’t or couldn’t deal with the issue
immediately or the person is no longer available? Be honest with
yourself. It’s the denial of the feelings that give them power over
you. If your feelings were hurt–acknowledge it. The more honest
you are with yourself, the less likely you are to misdirect the
feeling onto others who had nothing to do with the injury.
However if you can’t for what ever reason deal with the situation or
person at the time, step back and get perspective. It’s like taking
time to soak the really dirty dishes, while you wash the easier
ones. By the time you get to them, the dried food has softened and
will be easier to remove. Emotionally you have more options: Talk
to another to get an more objective perspective; it’s possible your
issues could have lead you to over react. Get more information;
there might be more going on than you were aware of. Consider that
you were responsible; previously you could have hurt their feelings
and that situation hadn’t been dealt with. Or it could simple be
that both of you just happen to meet while both of you were having a
bad day; in that case both forgive yourself and the other person
then move on.
Yet like a burnt casserole dish, there are situations that
are so traumatic that they simple can not be healed immediately.
Unlike like cross words, lies or misunderstandings, these injuries
usually affect the persons whole life or have happened over an
extended period of time. In these cases, there are no quick fixes–
no words that can alleviate the pain. The dish can be tossed, but
the emotional injury can’t be. In these cases the pain is so
devastating that it is forgotten or buried because the person simply
can’t deal with it. Whether it’s fear or lack of self esteem, they
refuses to admit they are in pain. By doing so they do not have to
deal with the source of their hurt.
In the cases of childhood trauma, many children are taught
to honor their parents, no matter how much damage they do. They
feel that they do not have the right to be angry with the parent or
to hold them accountable for their actions, simply because of who
they are. They turn their anger inward. Instead of confronting the
source of their pain, they become self abusive. Frequently, as they
grow into adulthood, they find others who reinforce the self image
their parents cultivated. The abuse continues and is eventually
spread to the next generation as the off-spring inherit the abused
behavior. In cases when the source is a stranger, confusion and self-
doubt is added as the person questions why they were chosen–what
did they do to attract the abusive person’s attention? In many
cases, they can not find a logical reason, as a result they blame
themselves. So in addition to the physical injuries, they take on
the emotional responsibility for the actions of another. Instead of
blaming the perpetrator, they feel guilty for the attack. In both
instances, the longer the pain is not acknowledge, the more
difficult it will be to deal with the true source of the pain.
Healing begins by acknowledging that there is a problem and
finding the root source. Until that happens, only the symptoms can
be addressed. But dealing with the symptom doesn’t cure anything.
Cure one and another one will manifest, usually more intense than
the previous. Until the true source of the injury is exposed, the
behaviors and inner torment will continue. Like the casserole dish,
only time, a good soak and a lot of hard work will cleanse the ick
away. For emotions, the soak usually involves many tears and a good
support team. Friends, family, and professionals working together
to help rebuild what was torn apart are essential parts of the
healing process. They are the support staff. But the head of the
team is always the person and their determination to heal. Until
the person makes the decision to confront the source directly, no
matter who they are, and properly place the blame, they will not
heal. Confrontation doesn’t necessary need to be a physical
encounter, but acknowledging who is responsible. Who caused the
pain? Who did the hurting? The old wounds have to be opened and the
source of the pain brought into the light. Initially the process
will be very painful, causing the person to want to go back into
denial. Like peeling back the layers of an onion, the healing
process will open old wounds and reawaken old memories until the
original source is discovered. At each new level, the person learns
to understand more about themselves and become stronger for it.
The inwardly turned anger is eventually turned outward and focused
on the source of the pain. Professional supervision will keep the
healing process moving forward on a positive level. Getting stuck
in the blame game will only halt you positive progression. Whether
or not the other person takes responsibility for their actions has
no bearing on you healing process. Like with the small hurts,
honoring your truth and respecting yourself is the goal and the way
to move forward. By allowing yourself to see the truth of your life
without guilt, fear, or anger you see past as just that–the past.
You physically survived it, now it is time to truly live through it
and move forward.