Substitute Healers
Written By Staff Contributer: Theresa Chaze
We all have relationships in our lives, which we can not
effectively work through because it is either not safe or the person
is no longer available. Whether due to fear of further harm, death
or a simple unwillingness to participate in the healing process, it
leaves you unable to finish the emotional or spiritual challenges
before you. In these cases, the universe will provide substitutes
to help you work through the challenge to a healing conclusion.
With the help of these stand-ins you are able to find the root cause
of the emotional or spiritual injury.
In my life, the root person was my father and the root
challenge was taking back my power. My father was and continues to
be an alcoholic, which makes him unable to take responsibility for
his actions. Beer controlled his life, so he made himself feel more
powerful by bullying those who couldn`t fight back. Nothing was
never his fault, nor was he ever wrong; it was always the rest of
the world.
Growing up I was continually told how worthless and
stupid I was. Nothing I could ever do was good enough. He made it
very clear that he resented my brothers and myself by both what he
said and did. Discipline was never applied with love or the need to
teach values, but to fulfill his need to tear down and to make
himself feel superior. Using verbal sarcasm or physical abuse, he
dominated us by creating a household of fear. We never knew what was
going to set him off–the TV being too loud, getting your shoes wet
walking home from school in the rain or not eating correctly. When
I was five I was beat for a glass falling of the back of my tricycle
and breaking.
The most revealing event happened not to me, but my
brother, Steve. At the age of eleven, Steve was hit by a car and
nearly killed. My parents sued the driver and won a settlement. .
The medical insurance from my father’s employer covered the medical
expenses. Instead of setting the money aside for Steve’s future,
our father spent it on a new boat, motor and trailer for himself.
He felt he was entitled to it because it was his insurance which
covered the medical bills. We had a home, food and clothing, but
not much more. He always seemed to find the extra money for things
he wanted, but when it came to the family there simply wasn’t
enough. All the extras came from when my Mother took a jobs or from
our Grandmother’s generosity.
In my teen years, my Mom confided in me that when I was
only a few months old, she left him because of his behavior towards
both of us. It was only when my father’s lawyer informed him that
he would lose the house and have to pay support for both of us until
I turned eighteen that he wanted a reconciliation. With the help of
my paternal grandfather, Mom was persuaded to take him back.
As
each of my brothers were born and the date of his financial freedom
was pushed back, he became angrier and more abusive. But Mom always
made excuses. He had a terrible childhood and he didn’t know how to
be a good father because his own father never acknowledged him. The
second most used excuse was the members of his mother’s family
neglected and abused him, taking in him only for the public
support. Instead of confronting his bad behavior, Mom did do her
best to limit the damage he could do to us. I was sent to my
Grandmother’s so often I started calling her Mom.
My brothers
weren’t so lucky. Mike tried his best to be a hunting and fishing
buddy; it didn’t always save him from long walks home alone from the
lake. Dan found friends he could spend time with and didn’t stay
home much. Steve hid in his room, studying and building models. He
taught himself electronics and computers, yet Father never missed an
opportunity to drill into him how stupid he was.
We lived in
perpetual expectation of disaster, not knowing what or when he would
go off the deep end. His irrational behavior kept the household in
continual chaos. Stress was a part of our daily lives.
As a toddler, I was outgoing and confident. I met the world
on equal terms with the firm belief that my life would be blessed.
But that changed.
Instead of the boisterous child who thought
nothing of inviting herself to a neighbor`s party, I became an
angry, confused, and withdrawn young woman, who did her best not to
be seen. What few friends I had quickly disappeared when I couldn’t
bring them home. I never knew what I would find when we got there.
There is nothing like being a teenage girl and coming home with a
friend to find your father sprawled out on the couch wearing only
briefs and a t-shirt. But it was never his fault; it was mine.
I
became a victim and started believing that I was responsible for
whatever happened, whether I actually was or not. I stopped
fighting back and became a victim. I simple expected people to
hurt me and I wasn’t disappointed. Even after I went away to
college and I regained my voice, there was still the residual
feeling that I didn’t deserve and an expectation of being harmed.
Since that is what I expected that is what the universe provided.
However the healing process did begin. After I was removed from the
negative influences, the Divine placed positive people in my path.
I had the option of accepting the blessings or continue the self-
destructive behaviors.
I chose to listen to their positive messages
and did my best to step away from my anger. The problem was instead
of working through it, I simply denied it. It became controlled but
it did not go away.
Over the years, I did my best to forgive those who
deliberately hurt me and move on. But I wasn’t working on the root
cause of my problem. I had been doing the healing work and had made
some positive changes, yet so many people thought it was still
acceptable to be hurtful to me; they did so, because I continued to
allowed it. But I also turned into a person who no longer took
responsibility for my actions. Since I didn’t feel in control, I
made excuses and blamed others for what happened in my life.
The
more chaotic my life became, the more I became fixated on trying to
be flawless, a standard no person can meet. Other people took
advantage of my internal conflict and obsessive need to appear
perfect. When I did make a mistakes, they made to seem worse than
they actually were.
Problems were allowed to escalade because I
felt unable to effectively stand up for my self. Instead of
setting boundaries, I would tried to explain the situations to
detail in attempt to make them understand. I would answer questions
that were simply none of other person’s business. When others tried
to push me into a verbal corner, I would get angry and my ability to
respond logically slipped away. I felt powerless in my life. No
matter how I worked on being a forgiving person, I forgot that I was
a person too. I needed to forgive myself for being weak and for
giving away my power to others; until I did that the pattern would
continually replay.
My first two real jobs after college were with companies who
didn’t value my work; my immediately supervisors would openly
degrade me and I took it. At the time I didn’t see it but the
second job was a mirror image to my birth family situation. When I
was fired from it, I considered it a blessing. For nearly ten
years, I bounced from job to job; each one taught me to be a little
stronger and wiser in my relationships until at last I found myself
at a small factory. It was here I clearly saw how the patterns had
developed. The first person I began to suspect was one of my
teachers was Ray. He said something that could have come straight
out of my father’s mouth and I saw the connection for the first
time. He has the general look of my father only he is shorter.
They have many of the same interests and the same general out look
on life. Both have an underlying belief that they don’t deserve the
blessings of the universe and a have a fear of asking for what they
need. In addition, they are both very emotionally closed off.
Neither feel comfortable talking about their feelings. Ray
frequently refers to himself as stupid, yet he is not. He is a good
man in many ways, but he sees the world in a very negative way. He
expects the worst to happen and is surprised when someone is kind to
him without expecting a favor in return.
My father abused himself by drinking alcohol and staying in
a family situation even though he wasn’t happy. He lived in the
same house, but was never really part of the family; it was by own
his choice. He had very few friends and spent most of his time
alone. Ray is also a loner; he has his fur-kids and a few friends.
But he doesn’t talk very much about his life beyond his cats’
antics. Earlier this year, Ray severely injured his hand. He came
to work ill. There was a “hot” job that needed to go out so he set
up the press. The job got out, but he still stayed in spite of the
fever, which contributed to the tip of his thumb being crushed.
He
received medical care and was going to return to work that same
night. The rest of our shift got together and sent him home. The
next day he was back at work even though he lost a half inch of his
thumb. He is an important member of our small shift and he did
adjust his work load to accommodate his injury, but he was
embarrassed to ask for help. Like my father, Ray has a difficult
time admitting when he is in pain, sick or angry. He isn’t
comfortable with showing weakness on any level. Instead he closes
himself off, doing his best to hide in silence.
Where they differed in life, Ray didn’t stay in a marriage
that didn’t make him happy. Although he never really talks about
his life, he did mention when his child support obligation ended.
There was no celebration or sadness. It was a statement of fact in
a conversation. He has two sons that he doesn’t see much or have
much contact with. I don’t know why.. He didn’t allow money or
possession make his decisions for him. Ray represents what could
have been for me if my parents had divorced. They would have
separated and found their own lives where they could be happy. It’s
impossible to predict if he would have remained in our lives or if
like Ray he would led a separate life.
However, as person it would
have been easier for me to like him if he had found a peace and life
that brought him some sense of contentment. Though knowing Ray as a
co-worker and person, I’ve been able to see the positive aspects of
my father’s character and put part of the anger to rest.
Norm on the other hand has not been an easy challenge. He
has all the irrational and control aspects of my father’s
personality. Frequently Norm’s decisions and behavior are
unreasonable to the point of being foolish.
His brow beating and
condescending behavior have had many of the female staff, including
myself, in tears. From the outside watching him, he appears to get
satisfaction from being able upset others. While his favorites get a
free pass now matter what the mistake they make, even small errors
made by others are blown out of proportion. He has so intimidated
several members of day shift that they do their best to avoid him.
Frequently he sits in his office and stares down co-workers; it
makes for an uncomfortable work situation.
The best example of his arbitrary behavior happened to me
several years ago. The orders had slowed to the point that the
temporary people were let go and the company was preparing to lay
off people. Due to stress and medical related issues, I needed to
take time off. I asked for two weeks of vacation time, but Norm
denied the request; his reason was that I didn’t give two weeks
notice. I didn’t understand why there was a problem. It would have
beneficial to both the company and myself.
I got very angry. It
took the intervention of the personal manager for me to get the
break. Recently he again played games with a time off request.
Only this time I didn’t give into the anger and cry. I didn’t back
down. I stood my ground and was able to get the time off. If I
asked for a great deal of time off, it would be understandable;
however, if you added all my time off including sick days and the
two weeks off for recovery from surgery it wouldn’t add up to nine
weeks in close to eight years of employment with the company. After
stepping back and allowing the emotional dust to settle, I saw how
Norm was using my own anger against me.
It was just one more way
for him to manipulate and control me. By giving in, I gave away my
power. As with my father, I allowed him to dominate me through fear
and bullying. Now that I see the behavior and made the connection,
I have freed myself from the cycle. I saw how Norm pushed the
emotional buttons which put me on the defensive. I answered
questions that he had no business asking and kept explaining when I
should have simply walked away. That doesn’t mean that Norm will
not still do the same behavior, but I am aware enough not to play
the game. I have developed several mantras when dealing with him,
none of which involve angrys, yet I do make my point. The last time
I asked for time off, instead of explaining I told him it was a
personal day and left it at that By failing to play his game I have
freed myself from the cycle.
The true root challenge was control. Who had it? Who did
it truly belong to? Growing up with continual negative
reinforcement caused me to see myself as unworthy of respect. When
I began seeing myself through the dark eyes of others, I lost my
ability to see the beauty that only I could create and the spunky
individual that was born into this world began to die; she was
replaced by a fearful, angry person who did not know how to set
boundaries. It was only by seeking out the root cause of the pain
that the healing process could really begin.
There is a wonderful book available, The Four Agreements.
Reading it gave me a new way to approach my healing challenges. It
helped me see alternatives paths. No one has the right to demand
answers from you, nor do you have a responsibility to answers
questions that make you uncomfortable. None of your business is a
perfectly acceptable response. As is saying no or just leaving the
question unanswered. By setting boundaries, you respect yourself
and others will follow suit. There is nothing wrong with keeping
private things private. You are not obliged to answer questions or
explain any of your decisions.
Those who do not value your choices
no have a place in your life. You do not have to share all aspects
of you life with anyone. By setting your boundaries at your comfort
level, you honor yourself and take back your power. Other people
will act according to their own agenda; it is not your
responsibility to smooth their road or to make them happy. Their
reality is just that–their reality.
When you do speak follow the
old cliché–Say what you mean and mean what you say. When you stay
true to your word, you are able to trust yourself and so will
others. One of my personal challenges is releasing my own
expectations and setting goals that no one person could achieve.
Each of us wakes every morning to the new day with it’s own
challenges and expectations. Some days will be gold and you will
not only meet but exceed your goals. Other days you will have a
hard time spelling your name correctly.
No matter which day it
turns out to be, if you simply do your best in every situation, the
day will be a success. The keys are to have realistic expectations
and to focus on your goals instead of allowing others to manipulate
you into their game plan.
By doing your best and grading on a
sliding scale, you will release the need to be self degrading and
self abusive. As you treat yourself, so others will treat you.
When you respect yourself, you set the pattern for others to
follow.