Speeding
By Staff Writer: Theresa Chaze
Going home late one night after work, I was singing to the radio and looking forward to four days in my natural habitat. Four days of not having to set the alarm. My time would be my own. It was two am and I had the road to myself when suddenly there were flashing red and blue lights in my rear view mirror. I thought “oh feces"–or something close to that–"now what.” Granted my singing wouldn’t win me any awards, but it didn’t qualify for a ticket either. I pulled over. The officer walked up and told me I was doing seventy in a fifty-five mile zone. It didn’t feel like I was going that fast, but many times when I get focused on a goal I simple loose track of just how fast I`m going or how far I`ve gone. My goal was to get home so I could relax. That is where my attention was not on the speedometer. The officer was very nice and let me off with a warning to slow down.
It was more than the officer speaking; it was a wake up call from the universe. For over a year, I’ve been working at full pace. I have a full time job, a writing career to build, a home to maintain and six fur kids to care for. The rice bowl job had benefits, including medical insurance, but it offered no challenge on any level. To make it worse, business slowed and everyone’s financial fear had increased as they wondered if they would have a job. The days when there was very little work to do was the worse for me.
Without anything to keep my mind occupied, it drifted to the tasks at home I left undone. The stress was worse than if I was over-burdened with work. Money was also an issue as I fought to pay the bills. With the cost of living increasing and not receiving a raise to compensate, the job no longer covered expenses, so I started doing online Tarot readings and doing sewing out of my home. All of which took time away from building my writing career. For over two years I had been promoting my first novel but had been unable to get much traction even though it had great reviews, because of the publisher policies and questionable ethics.
In September, I started the process to get my rights back. The second novel was completed and I started looking for an ethical publisher for it. I started a new novel and was doing research for the third in the trilogy. Small projects have been started and completed. During the week, I felt grateful if I got six hours sleep at night. On the weekends, I got a little more, but it didn’t help much. To put it bluntly, I was skating on the thin ice of exhaustion.
Others keep telling me to set my priorities and stick to them. Their attitude is that it is easy to do. But when everything is important, how do you parcel out time blocks to get it all done efficiently? Between the rice bowl job and the writing, I am working two full time jobs. The job pays for living expenses. The writing feeds my soul and is the promise of the future. It’s is also at the stage where it is starting to be successful. The house still needs to be cleaned. The laundry needs to be done. The fur-kids need attention not only for them but for me as well. There are wonderful people in my life who I would love to spend more time with. Now with spring and summer, the gardens need to be weeded and planted. All have an important place in my life, yet I still am limited to 24/7; through practical experience I’ve learned that sleeping and eating are not optional activities.
So where do you start drawing the lines to get everything accomplished and still have time for just yourself? What was getting lost in all the “need to do’s” and “must be done’s” was me. In the growing list of tasks, I never scheduled time for me to do nothing. To just sit on the swing in the back yard and watch the clouds drift by. In my rush to succeed and impress other people, I forgot the need for the simplicity of play–to be able to daydream impossibilities instead of always doing mindful visualization.
As a child, I would find a quiet play yard and swing all by myself; only I was not truly by myself. I was on board the Enterprise, exploring the universe. I was riding the range on a black stallion along with my companion cougar as we sought and found the lost wisdom of the ages. Yes, I know horses and cougars aren’t a good combination, but I was a kid and it was a fantasy. At the time, it worked. When I put on a headset and listen to music, I was transported to stages and I was the singer, dancing and plucking the bass guitar. None of it was meant to be real, yet it created a safe place and time for me to relax.
Stepping away from the responsibility of paying the bills and the stress of creating a writing reputation sounds wonderful, but where would that lead. No where. To simply drop everything isn’t practical. Nor is spending all of my time and energy trying to meet goals and expectations that are not realistic. What is lacking is a balance. The lesson is learning how to divide my time and energy so that each aspect of my life is satisfied, including myself.
When all is important, you must focus on the center, which is yourself. By sending your energy there first, you create a stable base to work from. Taking care of your physical needs such as sleeping and eating, you are more able to meet the higher demands that you have created in your life. Striking the balance between work and play is where you will find strength of purpose and clarity of your achievements. For every stressful moment there must be a pleasure moment to balance it. Just as the reverse is also true. In addition, you must determine which are truly your goals and those placed on you by others. Whether they be family or society, other people can not control you or how you use your energy unless you allow them to.
The only person’s expectations you need to meet are your own. When a someone comes to my home, it had better be to visit me. If it’s to do a white glove test, I’ll show them the dust then I’ll show them the door. It’s not that my house is dirty, but I take care of what needs to be done to make myself comfortable and care for my fur-kids. Believe it or not there are cat toys scattered through out my home and the kids have yet learned how to put them away. I don’t mind so it don’t matter if others think it’s a mess. When it come right down to it, dust bunnies don’t have teeth so they are not a danger to life and limb; the most they do is multiply and it’s easier to catch a colony than it’s to chase down the individuals. By changing my behavior I have seen how it has altered my environment and those in it.
By caring for myself first, my life is no longer a burden; it is a joy. My writing is stronger and flows easier; the blank page is no longer an adversary, but a welcomed friend. By taking the time to play with each fur-kid individually, it has given them a new security that has brought peace between them, as they no longer have to compete for my attention. My home is clean and the laundry done, but it’s done to my schedule and expectations.
The rice bowl job is still repetitive and boring, but since the rest of my life is more fulfilling some of the stress has been removed. By getting the proper rest and nutrition, the mood swings and mental fogginess has been eliminated. I now have proper perspective on the challenges in front of me and have the patience to work them out. The oxymoron is that by slowing down, I have actually been able to accomplish more and it is done quicker than when I raced the clock. By building myself up, I have strengthened my entire life. It was only when I stopped that I actually moved forward and met my goals.