Sometimes it’s More than the Sniffles
Staff Writer: Theresa Chaze
I was once again laid off. My first reaction was–great! I’ll be able to catch up on my to-do-list. It sounded really good. But the best laid plans usually make the Divine laugh–and so it was with me. It was my intention to split my time between writing, promoting my writing and working on my gardens. I visualized images of calling bookstores and all them agreeing to carry my novels, while being interview by Oprah and having both novels on the New York Times Best Sellers list–granted lofty and unrealistic objectives, but a woman has to have a goal.
The Divine must have been laughing hard enough for her sides hurt as she said something akin to “You think so huh?” as she whacked me with a kidney infection two days after I was laid off. My health insurance was still effective so I went to the doctor and got meds to clear it up. I understood how it could have happened. For a long time, I had been stretched so thin between the rice bowl job, starting the writing career, and taking care of the business of life. After all, there is just so long you can substitute caffeine for sleep. The break I had a few months earlier during the first lay off wasnt very restful. I did the final work on the proofs for Awakening the Dragon and Dragon Domain, along with early promotion, the spring yard work, redecorating half my home and starting an ezine. Not bad for two months work. Going back was a mixed blessing. Financially it helped, but I was once again back 70-80 hour work weeks. My stress level was increasing as the demands I placed on myself were becoming more unreasonable. The second lay-off came in time to prevent a mini break down. The kidney infection gave me an excuse to take a week off. It was annoying, but I could live with watching movies, reading and taking long naps–as long as it was just for a week. After a few days, I felt better and I started working a few hours every day.
After a week, I was back up to speed and was promoting my upcoming book signing. An ex-coworker agreed to interview me on his radio show. I contacted several other people I met while working at the TV station. In addition, I sent emails and called other media in Northern Michigan, trying to arrange some publicity. At the time, most of their attention was on the upcoming Traverse City Film Festival, so there wasn’t much left over for an unknown writer. I understood; the festival not only was a very big deal for the area, but it was going to be fun. I had already volunteered to work shifts during the week. Saturday arrived at last. I had done all the promotion I could without spending money. The day of the signing another ex-coworker made an announcement on air during his radio program. I arrived early. However, the owner left me a note, suggesting that I set up in the back; the last book signing she had at her store didnt do well. She wasnt there, so I set up in the front window. It was a good choice. Not only did I sell books, but also I planted seeds of interests and met some really wonderful people. The afternoon was exciting and a little stressful. No matter how confident you are, it does raise the stress level when you put yourself up for others to critique. Sunday I worked my final shift for the film festival. Overall, it was a really good week. I had a good time and met wonderful people, including Michael Moore, who was much smaller and quieter than I expected.
Monday I started the day making phone calls to bookstores and answering emails. But I had also made the decision that I needed to start looking for a job. My unemployment was not covering the increasing cost of living. In addition, I didn’t know how secure the rice bowl job was. I pulled together a new resume, including my broadcast experience and education. After I left the last TV station, I thought I would never go back into the industry. The stress of the petty politics and hostile working conditions had given me nightmares and caused me grind my teeth to the point of breaking them. I loved the work, but for years when I thought of going back, the nightmares returned. It had been a while and I thought that maybe I had healed enough to try again. So I did. There were several job openings listed and I applied for them.
Late that afternoon, I worked on the garden. I was a little tired and my environmental allergies were very active, but the weeds were taking over and they were making me crazed. After about an hour, I broke out in hives all over my arms and legs. I didnt get as much as I wanted done, but I had to stop. Even after cleaning up and taking meds, my skin itched and burned. After soaking in a sea salt and baking soda bath, the redness went away, but my skin was still irritated. Nothing I did seemed to make much of a difference. Gardening had always been healing activity–a way to release stress and relax. I couldnt understand why suddenly that had changed. In the past, my allergies had stressed out my respiratory system and made my eyes itch, but it was always controllable with meds. Suddenly nothing worked. To make the situation worse, the temp was in the high nineties with a high humidity level; between the two and the lack of air conditioning, I sweated. The salt from my sweat gave me a new definition of pain when it met my already irritated skin. It took four days and many antihistamines later before I began to feel better.
What I didnt realize was that the antihistamines that I was taking didnt contain a decongestant. My outside was healing, but my sinuses were infected. It started with a headache mid afternoon on Tuesday. By that evening, my whole face hurt and my ears were ringing louder that usual. I took meds and went to bed early. By the next morning, my face had started to swell and all my teeth hurt; I spend the day on the couch, playing with the remote, sleeping and taking meds. The next morning my right eye was matted shut when I woke up. It had happened before so I knew how to take care of it. Again, I spent the day resting; with all the meds, I had very little choice. It hurt, but that wasn’t what bothered me the most; it was not being able to think. The meds and the fever made me foggy and unable to focus. All I wanted to do is to sink into the couch and leave the world behind. It reminded me of when I worked at the TV station. At the time, I was working two jobs and writing; sleep was a foreign concept. I was airing the show “Golden Girls". In this episode, all the main characters were sick with the flu. I remembered watching it and being jealous of the characters all comfy on the couch. The memory came to mind because I was tucked safely on the couch and wanted nothing more.
On Friday, I called my allergist and she phoned in an antibiotic prescription for me. It wasnt much of an exaggeration that I looked like the Elephant man. The right side of my face was swollen; my eyes were red and matted. My ears were completely clogged with a high-pitched ringing. I picked up the meds and some food before going home to hide. By the time I pulled into the driveway, I was dizzy and my fever was higher. After three days of doing little more than sleeping on the couch, I felt better and the swelling had started to go down. By the tenth day, I was nearly as good as new except my ears were still clogged.
Thats when I made my mistake. Believing the antibiotics would protect me, I pulled weeds for a few hours again. The next day many of the symptoms had returned. Two days later, I was nearly as ill as the Friday I started the antibiotics; only this time I wouldn’t have access to the prescription meds. Instead, I went over the counter and homeopathic. With all the garlic gels I was taking, I would have killed any vampire who came within a ten yard radius. Making sure I took meds with both an antihistamine and decongestant, I again became a couch jockey. I didnt get any worse, but I also wasnt getting much better. I would wake in the morning and my eyes would be sticky. Frustrated, I prayed to the Goddess and asked why. My intuition told me that it was because I refused to feel the sadness and disappointment in my life. For so many years, I had been working toward my goals only to find frustration and betrayal. Instead of taking time to get angry and feel the sadness, I immediately started working on alternative plans. Simply put I created an emotional vapor lock that had started to affect me physically. Feeling sad and crying didn’t mean that I didn’t have hope or other possibilities; emotions simply are. By ignoring them, I was denying myself the release that would have allowed the healing to begin. So I watched a couple of DVDs that always made me cry and I did. Within two hours, my eyes totally cleared.
Unfortunately, I only cleared part of the problem. The infection slid down from the upper sinuses to the lower. For a short time, my ears and throat really hurt; the meds only tempered the problem. The next morning the pain was gone, but the ringing and stuffiness in my ears increased. Nothing I did seemed to heal the problem. It was the worse in the morning; I was nearly deaf when I first woke up. Gradually throughout the day, some of the blockage cleared. Not being able to hear made me feel defensive. There was so much around me that I was missing. The blockage not only limited my ability to physically hear, but to psychically as well. I knew there is a reason. Again, I asked why? I’d gotten the message the Divine sent better if I could have actually heard it. (Note to universe: if you send auditory messages make sure the person is capable of hearing it! Thank you.) I have never been so cut off from the universe. I was very frustrated not to have access to my natural abilities, yet not know if there was a good reason.
The infection healed, but my ears were still stuffed and ringing. I could hear echo of my own heart beat better than the person I was talking to. Sneezing, yawning, and chewing were always followed by various popping sounds. Another med was suggested to me by a friend. Having nothing else left in my own healing bag, I tried it. Although Guaifenesin was technically for chest congestion, it did start loosing the mucus throughout my system, including my chest where I hadn’t realized there was a problem. The meds continued to make me sleepy, so I continued to be a couch jockey. It was great for paying off my slept debt, which made the national debt look like petty cash, but I still had writing to do, books to promote and five tons of pea gravel to spread, not to mention the flourishing weeds that were laughing and saying neer-neer-neer. It was just simply rude.
After a couple of days, I did some research on the net. From the descriptions, I self-diagnosis myself with an inner ear inflammation caused by the sinus infection. According to the information page, the stuffiness would clear up on its own and could take up to six weeks. Six weeks!!! Like me riding the couch for that long was going to happen. Summer was nearly over and I hadn’t accomplished much. The yard was an over grown mess. The five tons of pea gravel still was waiting to be spread. The writing projects were still in note form. To top it off, I need to start looking for at least a part-time job, if not a new full time one, which nearly a full time job in itself.
The magnitude seemed over whelming. Instead of being stymied, I took a step back. The exhaustion I had been feeling for longer than I cared to think about and the illness had been created by scattering my energies and simply ignoring my own needs. Life was no longer about enjoyment, but clicking tasks off a list. Instead of looking at the whole picture and planning for weeks in advance, I restructured my game plan to a day-to-day list. If it rained outside, I worked on the indoor tasks. If the sun shone, I scheduled outdoor work. I threw away the pens and sharpened the pencils. Nothing was written in stone. In addition, I placed limits on what I did and for how long. There was a definite maximum limit, however the minimum was flexible. When I got tired, I took a break; if that didnt revive me, I stopped no matter how much had been accomplished. I took care of myself and added variety to my schedule. Furthermore, I made the time to go back to the fun stuff–movies, hiking both alone and with others; spending time with other people without it being work related became a priority. Sometimes the best thing you can do for yourself is to screw around. One afternoon, I was spreading some of the pea gravel. Id only been working a little while and I needed to take a break. Getting some water, I sat for the first time at my new outdoor table and chair set. It took over a month to set it up after I brought it home and I never really used it. Snowball, the neighbors cat, jumped onto my lap. I scratched. He purred. The breeze blew. There were people walking on the street and children played, but they seemed far away. Birds sang. It was a moment. I never noticed that a couple of my trees had tiny berries on them until then. Maybe that is what best describes my life for the last few years–I never noticed. Two days later, my ears started to heal. In a round about way, the Divine answered my question; it just wasnt in the way I expected. It wasnt what I wasnt suppose to hear or didnt want to hear, but the fact that I wasnt listening when I could hear.