Seekers of Self
Written By: Mistress Ravenfyre
Recently something has come to my attention that personally I am having a hard time mentally digesting. There seems to be a new fad, a revolution of the tried and true statement of “I need to find myself". The past few weeks I have heard this more than a handful of times from people that have had this statement presented to them. Is this a fad? An old excuse in a new era? Or the tiresome excuse to escape into their own personal egotistical world. Giving little to no thought to the others that this blanket statement effects? I think it is an excuse. Sorry but I do.
After listening to many of my clients, associates and a handful of friends, I began thinking. Trying to get a grip on all the new information that I had in my hands. I scoured over the notes I had taken, thinking about the mental notes taken given verbally by friends. Attempting to make some sense of this I set forth to find a common thread in all that I was told by their experiences.
I did find that those that were using this statement had many interesting similarities. Gender was not the issue in any of the cases. Seemingly being equal in numbers in using the finding self statement. The main thread of similarities were the age grouping and employment factors. I took 20 of these experiences and asking each if without using names and details I could use their personal information giving to me in order to try my hand at a simple research. I am by no means an expert nor a scientist. I am only using what facts given to me by the person telling me. I am in no way breaking confidences either. The quest was interesting, sometimes entertaining.
Age and Employment Factors
Pouring over all the statistical information was the easiest to locate a common denominator. The common age group was those between 38-48 years old, Caucasian and employed in blue collar to high end corporate employment. As stated it was nearly equal on gender. Meaning that it was not one sex or the other that was going through this. Nearly all used the same or near same statement of “Finding themselves or Seeking what life really is".
It also appeared that those using this statement were in fact in moderately stable relationships at the time. Having an intimate, reliable and loving relationship within their life. Parties all were of the same opinion that it came from nowhere. Fine one day and seeking the next. That the warning signs simply were not there in the open. Each also went on to state that attempts were made to resolve issues that were spoken of before the severing of ties were made. Most were in a mental limbo so to speak. Another common feeling was the sense of no closure due to communication failure or abrupt leaving.
Finding yourself
I and others have some questions for you, the Seeker of Self. Where did you loose yourself? When did this happen? And where do you go to find YOU?
Lets go over these questions one by one. You see in speaking with all these people I thought about it. We have all had someone say this. Whether it be a friend, loved one or associate. Apparently, it hits those that are in their very late 30s to the late 40s. Mid life crisis? Maybe. I feel that is an added excuse to ice the cake of finding the self. Especially this late in life.
Where did you loose yourself?
I ask this because I really am interested. Did you wake up one morning to find you missing? Was it physical or mental? Did you look down at your body and say “Whoa, were is that body at that was there last night? Or was it a total mental loss? Did you look around and see that this is your life. The path that you chose? Good or bad here it is. Yes, it needs improvement but doesnt all ours? You arose and looked all over the house, your work and outside. Still you couldnt find you.
Loosing yourself is a pretty big thing not to see. Did you begin to back step? Going over all the places you have been? Maybe you left you at the corner store. Only you know. The rest of us didn’t see that it was missing. The search is on. You must find YOU. Time to call the Self Seeker Police.
When did it happen?
Now, with the Self Seeker Police taking notes and asking the questions maybe they can recreate the scene of the crime. Facts only the facts is the first thing that the Self Seeker Police states. Where were you when you lost you? Sitting and thinking you shake your head. You actually do not know. If you knew you wouldnt have called the Self Seeker Police , now would you have? They continue asking those same questions that others have before them asked.
Were you alone when this happened? With another? Where were you they demand.
Thinking about this you come up with a few minor details that might help. You were sitting there one afternoon, feeling sorry for yourself. Looking at days gone by. Gone by to fast for your comfort. They left you quicker than you could catch up to. Not realizing that you did not do all the things that you dreamed of. The things that you waned to. You are in a place now that you never thought that you wold be in. Is it all that bad? Right now you think it is. It is not what you wanted you to be. But there you are.
Maybe you are in a relationship. A loving, caring real relationship. One that was envied by others. Yet, you feel uncomfortable. Why? Is it to close? To good to be true? Or have you decided that inside you always wanted to be loved by many. An idol of the male/female gender. You look into the face of the person that seems devoted to you only to feel you are not what they are seeing. Maybe not but they see it this way.
You decide that it is time to leave.
You pack your emotions up in a duffel bag, waving good bye. Did you say good bye? Or did you simply leave? Did you tell them you were on a travel to find yourself? What was the response? Look back on all that was said and not said. Someday you will have to deal with all this. Better take notes in case you may forget. Look and hear the pain that they are sharing with you. It must be worth all the emotional havoc to you. Say you are sorry and good-bye. Walk away from all in a hurry as this is what you want. Self seeking can be a lonely path to travel.
The Self Seeker Police questions your motives. Selfish? Arrogant? Egotistical? You say no to each. You just dont know any more. You see the pencils writing notes in a hurried fashion. They look at you with a look you have seen before. What was that look? You cant place your finger on it, maybe later it will come to you.
Seeking the Self
While you are seeking the self that you have dreamt of, what are you leaving behind? Some never think about this. Or when they do they feel that what they left behind for awhile will be there waiting. This is not always the case.
When looking for something that is missing it may take years to find. Why expect those you left behind to wait? Patience runs thin with those seekers of self. Those that are left behind know that they may not find what they are seeking. A shame. To many times those seekers give up what is the most important only to find later what it really was. The same people, places or things they ran away from in the first place.
Why is seeking so important? A person reaches an age or place in life when they take a look at their lives. No, maybe it is not what you thought it would but maybe it is what it is supposed to be. You made the choices to get this far. Nobody made you make those decisions. It was you and you alone.
They call it mid life crisis. Another fancy name for finding yourself. This is not gender related for both sexes seem to go thorough it. When they do for some it is a nightmare. They feel like a void is there. They are sinking in despair of the What would have been, what could have been and what should have been emotions.
What about those that do not have this happen to them? Personally I am one of those that is in this age group and seem to be one of the few that is not in some kind of seeking transition. Why? Maybe I want to have a crisis. I feel so left out of the loop. What makes those of us not seeking different?
We have found the path
There is no one correct statement as to why some of us do not have these crisis. I was asked this during a session as to why I had not gone through something similar on a personal level. I thought about it. As I thought I began to notice more and more around me were in fact going through the seeking periods of life. I must admit I felt out of place. Much like the odd ball out. Friends were going though this wanting more than they had now. Not being happy with things in their lives. Not seeing that in reality they did have a good life, they were just to blind not to see it. I sat thinking that I must be lucky not to be feeling the need to search. I heard of endings because people were trying to find themselves. I shake my head in awe. What are you looking for that isnt already there? While you are looking you hurt so many people, mainly yourselves in this pursuit of finding yourself.
Maybe what you are looking for is simply an illusion of what dreams are made of.
Ok, so you didnt become the great artist you wanted to be. Yet, maybe the canvas you are presently painting on right now is the most beautiful picture you will have ever created. Your life in the here and now. You are gracing those that care about you with your smile, your laugh, your pain and tears. Sharing your painting of life for those close to view. They admire it as it is.
Do you intend on leaving this behind on a quest to find something better? Something lost to you but yet was never yours in the first place.
While you are searching you leave behind so many experiences that you are certain to regret in the future. Then will you be searching again for those things lost? Does the search ever really end?
In talking with those that are on both sides it came to me one reason that so many seek never find. They are searching for the past. The future is uncertain so it is easier to live in the past and try to recapture something of youth. I laugh when I hear those around me say they are searching for their selves. Will they like what they find when they are finished? What if the end result is they never find themselves?
While talking with one such friend that was on the receiving end of the looking for self of their mate of 15 years, they asked if I had ever had this experience. I answered yes with a smile and laugh. Thinking that I had finally become jaded they asked why the laugh.
I explained that recently I had someone begin their self search during a mid life crisis. Not being able to face they were getting older, possibilities were thinner (along with their hair line), they had no marketable talents and that they were spiritually empty. They chose to do the less than honorable way of leaving their loved ones behind on this travel to “find themselves". In the meantime, those they left behind were in a wake of emotional turmoil, trying to figure out what they did or did not do to make their loved one go away so abruptly without nary a word of goodbye.
Some acted in anger while others acted in forgiveness. Each now having to face the fallout of the action of one person.
During this time, I too was in this massive destructive force of the others travels. Why was I not gunned down with the rest? I attribute it to my spiritual belief and the forms of meditation that I practice.
Emotions did in fact run from anger to finally forgiveness. Forgiveness was the hardest I will admit. It also gave me the time to look at myself and life. What was good and what was bad. Taking the time to see that I was in fact one of the lucky ones that have had an enlightenment of a small kind.
The turmoil was one that shook everyone’s lives. So much pain, so much emotional hurt was there. I sought inner reflection as my guide through all this. I relied upon my deities to guide me to come out the other side. No longer did I feel guilty of not being one of those seeking something that I was missing. I did not have to excuse my life of knowing who and what I am to those that were seeking. I did not have to feign understanding, sympathy nor support. I had been released in a positive manner. By their leaving to find a respect that they already in fact had I could live and be myself guilt free.
Being around someone that is looking for their selves is not an easy . You feel guilty about the good things that you are feeling. Guilt over nearly everything you do is felt. There is never a day that goes by that you hide your happiness fully. You give everything that you have inside thinking that it will be the best. Sometimes the best is to let go. Let those seekers go find whatever it is. Give them your blessings and start to re-build your own life if left in despair.
Did you find it?
When the day is done, the Self Seeker Police will ask you if you found what you were looking for. You must ask yourself what you did find if anything at all. At what price did you pay for the trip? Did you gain all by this voyage? I and all those that were around you hope so. Did you find what you were looking for only to see it was there in front of you all the time? What a waste of time it must have been. I can hope you did learn something.
From the lost and found
Those of you that have had this happen are those that are residing in the Lost and Found. You are sitting there waiting for those seekers to find you there in that cubicle. Patiently you wait but only your time is passing. Look at what you are missing while you are waiting. You are missing out on life and all it has to offer. Leave the cubicle. Put up a sign “Be Back Later", and breath in the fresh air of life. Your life. Why should you or anyone tag along with those that are seeking to find themselves. While you are waiting, watching and wondering, you may be next to search.
Try to find forgiveness for those that have taken a part of your life away. Forgiveness if the key to moving on. If you feel that you must wait for the seeker to return, be there for them yet still live your own life. This seems to be the hardest for those that are left behind during this seekers travels. Try to take a deep breath and let it go. Maybe they will return to you and then again maybe not.
You also have to think that when they do come back will you be the same person? Friendship and love does remain but it does take on other characteristics in time. Sometimes you may have to wait forever to get the closure or explanation you want. Be prepared to live while you wait. Accept the closure when it is given to you with grace not hostility. I only hope that those involved that I speak of are part of the lucky crowd that will get closure given to them. Including myself in this crowd, only slightly, I too wait for a sound, reasonable, closure. Then again I am not holding my breath for it either.
By all means I think that inner searching is healthy as long as it is done without creating pain and emotional damage to others. Be honest with those around you. Do not simply disappear from their lives without a word. Hand those loved ones or associates a good bye, please wait for me, or anything that will ease their pain. Be a caring person and give all concerned true closure. They do deserve this.
Find a way in your mid life criss without hurting and damaging those around you.
I only hope that what you thought you left behind is still there waiting for you when you return.
For all parties I only wish you safe and sound travels.
May the end of your journey bring you peace within.