My Mother’s Daughter
By Staff Writer: Theresa Chaze
The women in the young girls lives become the template for
who they will be as they grow into adulthood. Whether they intends
to or not mothers, grandmothers, aunts–any woman who plays an
important role it the girl’s life will be her teacher and mentor.
It’s the older women’s example that teaches the girl how to deal
with life’s challenges. In this case the old saying, do what I say,
not as I do doesn’t apply. Girls watch and mimic the actions of the
women in their lives, therefore it’s essential that they present
themselves to be capable and strong individuals.
Independent and strong women are more likely to teach their
daughters to take control over their lives and to honor themselves.
In doing so, they learn to expect to be valued by others and are
more willing to walk away from situations or people who do not
respect them. They are also more likely to defend themselves and
others from people who would deliberately due harm. These girls
grow into self-reliant women who take control over all aspects of
their lives. They are able to depending on themselves to meet their
needs and able to develop healthy relationships that are based on
equality. It is true that no person is an island. But if a woman
has learned to be self-reliant, it is easier for her to ask for help
without thinking less of herself. It’s not they do not make
mistakes or have challenges in their lives, but they are more able
to cope with them without giving into despair or depression. Strong
women meet life head on without excuses or blame. Taking
responsibility for her actions, she chooses to learn from her
mistakes instead passing on the guilt to others. It’s easier for her
heal emotionally because she is able to release the injury and move
on. Sometimes frustrated, sometimes angry, sometimes every other
emotion that can be named, she still finds the lessons behind every
challenge and expects the best out of life.
On the other hand, those women, who fail to stand up for
their rights and are continually subjugated by others, teach their
daughters that they also don’t deserve to be respected. By not
standing up for themselves, they teach by example that women don’t
have value and deserve the harsh treatment. Allowing their
daughters to grow up in this environment, they help erode the girl’s
self-esteem even before she has a chance to build a strong emotional
foundation. They don’t know how to respect themselves so they have
a tendency to draw people into their lives who will reinforce that
self image. They quickly learn to be safe or to get what they want,
they have to be the “good girl” or the “obedient daughter. She is
never to have her own opinion or ask for what she wants because that
would make her bad and she would deserve to be punished. Fear of
disapproval and of physical harm keeps her from expressing her true
desires. Girls who grow up in such situations frequently are unable
to care for themselves and will be continually needy. No matter
how much healthy support she is given, it will never be enough.
She will always think the worse of herself, because she never
learned how to depend on herself. Instead of being strong from
within, they look to others for their self worth and will do
anything to keep their approval. It is an self-supporting cycle.
The more a she needs to be supported, the less she is able to do so
for herself. Eventually she becomes totally dependant others for
all the necessities of life. It is also a way for her not to take
responsibility for how her life unfolds; if others are in control,
then she can not be blamed. When others hurt her, she excuses them
and ignores her pain; to confront it could mean dealing with the
source and risk facing the realities of her life. Instead she will
burying the pain, leaving it to fester and poison the rest of her
life. Being unable to deal with the pain makes it impossible for
her to heal. When she looks toward the future, she expects the
worse for it is all she known. Until she finds the strength or is
forced to stop denying her pain and deal with the root cause, she
will never truly find peace or love.
Both situations are generational with the level of self
worth and independence being passed from mother to daughter because
they know nothing else. In the first case, this beneficial. Each
generation opens the door to the next to reach higher and loftier
goals. However in the second, the spiral continues downward until a
woman has the strength and courage to break the cycle. By doing so
she heals herself and clears away the emotional debris for the next
generations by provide an alternative way of life. There are no
quick fixes–no magic pills or wands that will suddenly great
positive self-image. The only cure is the long, hard work of
peeling back the layers of pain, anger, and fear until you reach
back to the root cause and begin to rebuild by facing old beliefs
and ways of life. It’s like stripping the layers of an onion to
reach the core. Sure you can use a knife and cut away, but then you
have pieces. So is it when the treatment doesn’t work with all
aspects of the personality. Drugs are not a cure all. Nor is
psychological therapy. Prayer is helpful, but so is group therapy.
It took years and in many cases generations to create the
behaviors . No one remedy will be a cure all, nor will it be done
over night. In addition, the individual’s healing process is
unique. There is no one path that leads to salvation. Every person
must take the journey themselves. Loved ones and professionals can
help, but until the woman admits there is a problem and finds the
courage to face, she can not heal her self-esteem and become the
wonderful woman she was born to be.