A Fish Without a Bicycle
By Staff Writer: Theresa Chaze
After several years of working extremely hard not only to build my writing career but at a rice bowl job that barely paid the bills, I was suddenly blessed with some time off. I promised myself that becoming healthy and strong again would be the first priority. There were many other things I wanted to accomplish as well, but paying off my sleep debt and learning how to do nothing came first. Over the past few weeks, I have kept my promise, however in the process I gained a few pounds. I hadn’t realized how much until I took off the sweats and put on a pair of jean shorts. Even my fat ones were tight. Suddenly I got angry at myself and the world. It wasn’t rational, but that’s what I felt. I didn’t want to go out and work on the yard; I was too fat to be seen in public–it wasn’t true and I forced myself to go do the work.
It’s amazing how working with the earth helps to clarify things. While I was digging and hauling away the grass, I started a dialogue in my head and I vented my frustration. Many of the old self defeating beliefs I was given in childhood were again thrown at me. Only this time I said something that I had been thinking but never really formalized into a thought–my value as a person doesn’t depend on my weight or looks but by who I am. I don’t need to be a Barbie doll so I can attract a man to look after me. I am a creative, intelligent woman, who has established a wonderful life. I’m happy and healthy. Because I have released the old images, I now have enough faith in myself to create my dream of being a successful writer.
So why did gaining a few pound bend me out of shape? Simple–I let it happen. Sure I used the anger to motivate myself to dig faster, but it was also a lesson. Or better said an awakening. Growing up I was told that if I would only lose a few pounds, people would like me more. If only I wasn’t so direct, boys would want to date me. If only I was something else than what I was I would get positive feed back. The message was–be who we want you to be or we won’t like you. Well, it’s been three decades and the message being broadcast is the same. The only difference is that it is no longer my parents but the media and society who are promoting the negative self images. Both promote the belief that in order to be loved or loveable that you have to look or act a certain way.
Women who have curves and are shaped like a woman aren’t considered as beautiful as those who are shaped like young men. Has no one else notice that many famous designers are gay, so of course female curves wouldn’t be attractive to them. Plus women, who focus on the scale instead of health, don’t have well developed muscles so they are weaker and less able to defend themselves against a physical attack–hence the phase “the weaker sex” is applicable. Developing muscles help women be strong in more ways than just being able to defend themselves. It has been proven that girls and women who participate regularly in sports achieve more in life and have more confidence. But being physically fit doesn’t always mean that you will have the perfect figure. I took a self defense class a few years ago. The instructor was a second degree black belt in Kung Fu and a ranking champion in the state; she was built like a line backer. She wasn’t petite and shapely; she was a fighter and damn proud of it. But if a woman is healthy and happy, why should she be made to feel guilty if she can’t fit into the cookie cutter mold, especially if that mold is designed to make her physically and emotionally weaker?
But the problem goes deeper than just physical appearance. There is still the underlying belief that a woman can not survive or be complete without a man in her life. Personally, I believe that a woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle. Traditional women’s jobs rarely pay as well as the male counterparts even though they are just as valuable. As an example, nursing was traditionally a female job; it was underpaid and unvalued even though they are more directly involved with patient care; their observations and experience are what doctor base their diagnosis on. However, this changed when men started working in the field and the pay scale was raised. The same can be said about teaching, child care and most other professions that started off as customarily women’s. In addition, the “old boys club” limited women’s access to many jobs usually held by men. Not only were women not hired, but on the occasion when they were salaries, benefits and job security were limited. Even though law suits and competition from women, starting their own businesses, have started to change this, women workers still find themselves taken less seriously and paid less than men.
In society, woman roles have been changing, but not without a fight. There are many who still fight to keep women subservient to men. By trying to control women’s reproductive freedom, they are attempting to put them back into a financial dependant role. It was only after women were able to control their reproduction that economic and educational doors were opened. Being able to control when or if she had children, women attained financial freedom; she was no longer dependant, therefore she was no longer forced to accept bad behavior from men. Women who are mistreated by spouses are more able and willing to walk away from the relationship because they do have other options. Since they are more capable of providing for themselves, they are no longer rushing into marriage. More women remain single and delay having children into their thirties. They have their own jobs, homes, and retirement plans. When they do decide to become involved it’s because they wish it, not because it’s a necessity.
It may be judgmental of me but I do have issues with women who chose to remain in subservient roles, expecting others to take care of them. By denying their talents and individual gifts, they deny the world a strength and wisdom only they can give. I’m not saying the roles of wife and mother are worthless, however if a woman does not take an active role in her own life by being able to stand on her own and take care of herself, she has betrayed herself and her children. By being dependant, she teaches her children than women are weak and incapable of being leaders. By allowing others to dominate her, her daughters learn that their role is to be dominated and her sons learn to dominate. In a real sense, the way a woman allows herself to be treated sets the pattern for generations to come. It’s only by taking control over her life and decision making process that she teaches her children how to be strong within themselves. Yet there is another class of women who have the same goal. They go on to college only they do not want a BA or a Ma, but a MRS. They take up valuable places in the admissions and scholarship monies so they do not have to work. Instead of learning a skill, she is hunting for a husband, whose education will give her a better economic living situation. They take away opportunities from others who actually want an education and waste scholarships that would have been otherwise used by people who would be a benefit to society. Both types of women set the social order back decades.
Several years ago, my mother was killed in a car accident. At the funeral, several members of my family asked me when I was moving back to take care of my father. They were shocked to learn that I had a life of my own and wouldn’t be doing “my daughterly duty.” It was expected that since I was single I could drop my life and take my mother’s place as his caretaker. My father is an adult. He is quite capable of taking care of himself. In the past, single women were expected to take care of their aging parents; however in the past, single women usually lived in poverty and the move back into the parental home was a lifestyle improvement. This is no longer the reality. Women have become successful economically and materially, having their own homes, cars, and financial security. They don’t have to run back home to mommy and daddy’s because they couldn’t find a husband to take care of them. However this is leading to a clash between generations. Older women are finding that marriage is no longer a retirement plan as men are trading them in for younger women or dying without adequate financial preparation. Children have moved away to find their own path through life. It’s no longer the Waltons where generations lived in the same house or in the same area. Suddenly women, who banked on their marriages, find themselves with empty accounts and having to get menial jobs because they never developed a work history. They never had the foresight to prepare for the future by learning important life skills. The simple facts are that Social Security no longer pays the full amount after the death of a spouse and many company retirement plans have been bankrupted. If a woman doesn’t have her own work history and Social Security account, she is more likely to find herself living in poverty or on the charity of others.
As I finished digging my new flower bed in the front yard of my home, I realized that in the last three decades a new breed of woman has been created; she is independent and secure within herself. Unwilling to be silenced, she demands her have her voice heard and to be taken seriously. She has her own education, career and property. Coming in all sizes, shapes and skin tones, her goal is to be healthy and strong within herself for herself not to please others. Having courage and faith in her abilities, she is not afraid to try new things; failure is always an option, but she uses it as a learning tool not as a reason to not make the attempt or to give up. No longer limited by others’ expectations, she sets her goals according to her needs and does her best to reach them. She is the teacher, lawyer, politician, doctor…and writer who will not give back the ground we fought so hard to take. Call us Bitches. Call us whatever insult you wish, it will not turn back the clock. A co-worker once said I wasn’t a lady. I agreed; I’m a woman–a feral one at that. After all, why do I need a bicycle? I have a car.